Those Thoughts - A True Story

Those thoughts return. You can’t help it. You can’t stop them. They return like a boomerang. Like some force out of your control that misses you so much. You sit there with your head back and you stare at the ceiling. You count the tiny specks of drywall that you see there and you think about how it would feel if they all were to tumble down onto you, smothering you and crushing you.

Your neck moves your head at the sound of your phone. It vibrates against your desk angrily. Your hands feel the vibrations traveling through the wood and your ears hear how scary the sound is as it shakes back and forth violently. You pick up your phone. An unopened text awaits your eyes. You stare at it a moment before opening it.

Her words rush into you like a waterfall. They crush you and you have to force yourself not to let your head lean back again and begin counting the specks. She calls you a monster. She says that no one will ever appreciate you like she did, does. She says that you hurt her more than anyone has, ever; that you are worse than the one person you hate in this world because he hurt her. Every word hits you, attempts to drown you. Every word is true.

Your initial reasons were quaint, subtle, kind. You want to end it before you become even more attached. You know you will have to leave each other when college comes around, and you cannot stand waiting for that day. But then she tries to change your mind, telling you that it will hurt just as much now as it will later, and that you shouldn’t leave yet because she still loves you, and you still love her.

So you give her more reasons. You aren’t happy with missing her all the time and loving her even though she is so far from you. You are too weak for this relationship. You do not have the strength to keep going when you need the physical touches as well as the mental love, and she cannot give you the physical because she lives hours away. You are not worthy of how much love she gives you. She says that you are strong. You know you are weak, though, and you know that you have to keep giving her reasons until she accepts it.

You tell her that there is someone else. That it is barely a reason, but they can give you what she cannot. That they are here while she is not. That you do not love her any less, but you like them more and more every day. She’s crying now. She’s telling you she is hyperventilating and wants to throw up. You know she is not lying, or even over exaggerating. She doesn’t do that.

Then she says those words, those scary words that make you want to drive all night to see her and hold her.

She tells you that you better check up on her if you move on with that other person. She tells you that she wants to hurt herself. To kill herself.

Oh, the blade looks good then. Maybe if you aren’t alive she won’t feel as bad. Maybe even if she does you won’t be able to feel it or see it or anything, because you’ll be gone.

But then she calls you. She tells you not to hurt yourself. And you listen. And you go to bed. And you cry.